Monday, December 1, 2008

God's Grace is Enough

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This past week has been exhausting to say the least, but definitely has strengthened myself and others. It has been a bonding time with my sister and I and a definite change of heart for us regarding our father. Three years ago, I had so much resentment that I would not have taken this trip to be with him and now I have entertaining the thought of moving closer to him.
Even though he and I have had a strained relationship for the past ten years, in his hour of need, God prepared a way for me to be by his side as well as making sure my sister could be here. We definitely spent some time looking death straight in the face and seen God move on our behalf, astonishing nurses, doctors, and unbelievers. On Friday, my dad was coded without a pulse after a week on a ventilator. CPR brought him around and drugs kept his heart beating throughout the day and night. On Sunday morning, he was eating a cheeseburger and telling stories about our childhood! Go GOD!
So today is Monday and we will be on the road tomorrow back to Mamma's house in northeast Texas.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Finally an Update

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Okay, so I have been gone for a while. First off, we made it to Texas safely but my mamma does not have Internet at her new house yet. Second, my grandmother went on a ventilator last week and my dad went on one as well in Arizona....so, my half-cross-country trip turned into a complete cross-country trip. I am currently in Arizona. My hubby came home on R&R and the next day we set out to come here with my sister and kids in tow. Thank God for that mini van!
I regretfully admit that my grandmother has brain damage. She is off of the ventilator and we are just waiting. I pray that I will make it back to Texas in time to attend her funeral. My dad on the other hand is at a point of waiting. He was extibated this morning but is not showing much progress. Tonight I sang to him...my voice was inherited from him as well as what training I have came from him. I hope he wasn't secretly critiquing me! :) As I sang, his heart rate increased and his breathing became rapid. He started trying to move his head to face me but he was still just blank.
It is hard to see him like this. Later, when I have more time (later might be in a month or two), I will share some insights into my relationship with him. I am thankful that I am here. It is hard but I am thankful.
Also, today was Brydon's 7th birthday. It was hard for him, but tomorrow I will share some pictures of my dad with him that might help him to understand a little better as to why we made an emergency trip here and he missed Thanksgiving and his birthday party. It is just a tough time for us all. Now I am beginning to really understand all of the prophecies, dreams, and visions that were being shared with me over the past two months. God is really using me, though it is in a way that I wasnt so sure I could ever handle. The hardest part though was telling my grandfather whose wife was on a vent in one state that his son was on one in another. But God gave me the strength in that moment and I was able to share my faith and pray with my grandfather finally learning that he DOES believe in our Lord. What a relief for me....after all of these years.
But I am rambling now, I will get on here when I can but the opportunities are few and far between.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

God Answers Prayers

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My God answers prayers! Even those for material possessions!
Okay so for a filler on the circumstance to my prayer: One year ago my husband's job changed as did his pay...by an extreme amount. Such an extreme amount that I am amazed that we even survived without losing BOTH of our houses. It was THAT much! But in this transition, we sold our pickup to keep ourselves afloat because it was fairly new, in good sellable condition, and paid for. Not the most brilliant of ideas! But hey, we still have our houses and our other vehicle (small car) and we are still able to eat. But with a large family, one that at the time had a baby in the oven, that little car is just a wee-tad too small, or at least when Daddy is home. With Daddy gone, we can squeeze two car seats in the back with a wedge of space left for a small rear-end and a booster seat in the front seat, but no dog...poor Maggie.
Late in my pregnancy, our dear friends in Germany blessed us with their Pathfinder to use while they are overseas. It was an incredible blessing to be able to have a few more inches (3 or 4) between the kiddos but it was still VERY tight. But tight or no tight, we have been in preparation for this trip back to Texas for several months, in which we prayed and laid claim that we would have a bigger, free or nearly free vehicle by November. We set the month to November because I was unsure of a day but sure of the month that we would leave.
Well, the first of November came and went and there was no vehicle in our sights. I have been so bummed. Our beloved friends encouraged me to take their Pathfinder to Texas saying that is why they left it with us...to be a blessing. So, I reluctantly gave in to the fact that I was not getting my very own larger vehicle anytime soon and that we would just have to make do in their vehicle even though I was beside myself for putting that many miles on their car.
Today, after church, November 9th, I drug out the car-top carrier and went to work trying to put it atop the Pathfinder to find that the brackets did not fit the nerf bars, so I began to devise a means to make it work. About an hour and a half into my endeavor, after I had snapped at the kids for talking to me, made my back ache, and was about ready to throw the whole thing in the garbage and rent a UHAUL, my neighbor came over with some papers and stickers for my kids.
As I was standing their unloading my anxiety onto her hoping she would figure out that I didnt have the time to talk because I was too busy getting prepared to leave she asked me a question that she had meant to ask me a week ago. Would I like to buy her mini van from her since she recently got another one....hmmm. It is nice...how much would she ask for it?...can she hang onto it until I get back from my trip?...could I even get financed with this economy? As these things were pouring through my mind, she asked if I would like to walk over and take a look at it. So, I hesitantly did knowing that I probably could not afford it.
Like I said, my God answers prayers. We signed title and added insurance tonight. I can afford to pay them from my checking account though they said not to until after my trip and to just pay them however I wanted to over a year (I will pay them sooner), and we put my car-top carrier, which fits, on it tonight! How funny is our God? And what about his timing? Was he testing my patience our what? I just cant stop laughing at Him tonight!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

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I love awakening in the morning to check my email to see if my hubby has sent me new pictures. Recently, we havent been able to webcam but God's grace is sufficient and I am thankful that we do get to at least talk on the phone...as unreliable as his phone is.
This is one of my favorite pictures that he has sent. Some of my other favs I do not have liberty to share because they are of him with the local children. But this one I love. Not only is it a great pictures of my handsome hubby but look behind him at God's beauty! The artist of all artists, that is God's artwork. Magnificent!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

PREPARING FOR A LONG AWAITED DAY

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In 2 1/2 weeks I will begin the journey home. In reality, I have been on this journey for 3 years now. I never would have thought that I would be apart from my mamma both physically and emotionally for that long of a time. But God can move mountains and a mountain was sure what had come between us! I have been praying for this day since the day that the mountain was set into place. I am fully aware that ALL of my prayers may not come to pass but for now I am just thrilled that the bridges are being restored and our relationship is being repaired.

It is going to be a big trip. The kids and I will be there for a couple of months if all goes according to plan. If it doesn't, I know where home is and I have a home in Virginia waiting for me. But as of now, I am asking all of my readers to lift my family up in prayer. I will be facing my past and the demons that were left there. I just ask that you stand in prayer with me that I will not be spiritually attacked by the enemy and that all of the enemy's plans be foiled. May the Lord's will be done in that place!

For those of you who do not know this yet, here is my secret...keep it safe, it is a surprise for my children. Daddy is coming home!!!! YAY!!! I will slip out while the kids are with relatives and get him from the airport and bring him to them. They will be so surprised, I cant wait to see their faces. Oh, how I cant wait to lay in bed with my husband and the baby as she gets to know her daddy in those quiet moments in the morning before everyone else wakes up. For me, that is the most precious time with her and I cant wait for Daddy to enjoy it as well. She was 3 1/2 months old when he left and bless her little heart, she doesn't even know she has such a wonderful daddy. But she will, though only for a short time. This is only a "teaser" but he will be home for good soon enough. I know that this visit is going to leave us heartbroken again but I am just thankful that he gets to come home for this...to my mamma's. So readers, please be in prayer for that as well.

Dear readers, I love you. I feel honored that you would take the time out of your day to read my blog but I do need to say something that God had put on my heart. My post the other night was from an angry heart and I do apologize. I did prayerfully consider retracting that post but in response to my prayers, the answer is not what you may want to hear. I understand that everyone has their reasons for any and everything that they do. That is between you and God and I will by NO means judge you. I am a sinner. But if you were angered by my words, then that is conviction and that too is between you and God. Conviction is one of Gods methods to changing our hearts and sometimes it hurts.

Friday, October 24, 2008

I am fed up with all of you CHRISTIANS!!!

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Do you know that 85% of Americans claim to be Christians? That is 224,457,000 people. That means that only 15% of our country's people are of either some other religion or are atheist and believe nothing at all. That is crazy! Do you realize that you could walk into Wal-Mart filled with 100 people and ask them if they believe in God, statically, 85 people would answer yes. But here's the kicker, what if you then asked those 85 people what they did with their "Christianity?" Do they...
  • Do they regularly attend church to be in the presence of the Lord and the body of believers or do they just sit in the back pew of the church to earn feel good points for the week? Do they attend church at all?
  • Do they thank God continually throughout the day for the unnoticed blessings is in their life?
  • Do they offer prayer to the sick woman standing in line at the grocery store or do they just pray that she doesn't come close enough to catch what she has and quietly condemn her for going out in public like that?
  • Do they teach their children about the Lord?
  • Do they admit to their friends that they are a "Christian" with firm moral values or do they just pass forwarded emails around with the hope of receiving a blessing for sending it to 7 people while hoping that those 7 people don't get offended and take them off of their friends list?
  • Do they organize ministry to reach out to those who are lost?
  • Do they offer their time to others who are organizing ministry to those who are lost?
  • Do they even know the price to claim to be a "Christian" in persecuted countries? Do they care?
  • Do these people do anything other than claim that they are a "Christian?" Do they know the definition of "Christian?"
"a person who exemplifies in his or her life the teachings of Christ"
  • Do they know what Christ taught?
I am angered at the atrocity of these people who falsely testify to being a "christian" but have no knowledge of our Lord nor of the value of what He did for us! Back to the saying, "you can sit in your garage all day long saying 'I'm a car, I'm a car,' but that doesn't make you a car." Get out there and do something PEOPLE! Live like you have something to live for. Remember: there are consequences to lying, even if it was a well intended lie such as proclaiming to be a "christian"; the road to hell is paved with good intentions; and if we confess with our mouth but then turn the other way, we are putting a stumbling block in front of others and we will reap the consequences.
REMEMBER this in our election...

To lose those we love

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There are moments in all of our lives when we feel beaten down and just utterly alone. Stagnant.
This blog is not a wallering-hole for self-pity but an online journal to give others insight into the struggles and joys that we face as a christian family in a world that doesn't carry our same views. As well as looking into the life of a path less traveled, it is also an insight into the lonely world of a military family.
The other day I was part of a conversation that took place revolving around what we lose when we choose to follow Christ and it was made known that it is a common thing to lose your family,or for them to at least begin to think that you have gone of the deep end. In my life, I have seen that happen. I have watched as those I love so dearly have withdrawn from me becuase they don't fully understand the change and I, myself, have withdrawn from alot due to things and lifestyles being less appealing to me. I am by no means judgemental...I try VERY hard at that, but it seems that others are afraid that I am just because I have chosen to change my life. Though to some, this issue may seem trivial, but to me it is enormous. I struggle with knowing that my choice to follow Christ came with a price tag. A very large one. But although the price was tragic in my eyes, I know that to God it is only pennies. A small sacrifice in comparison to what He gave and that it was not in vain.
So, though at times I feel as though I walk this dusty trail alone, I know that it isn't so. And as I am slowly separated from those that I hold dear to my heart, God is replenishing my life with new faces and atmospheres that only bring me closer to another horizon.

Monday, October 20, 2008

What a Wonderful Surprise

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I love to brag on my adoring husband and today is no different. God has definitely blessed me with all I could ever ask for out of a man: he loves our Lord and makes an honest and conscience effort to put God first above our relationship and family, he is very passionate about our family and strives to be a good and present daddy (work-willing), he loves me tenderly with his every breath making me feel like I am the most important woman in the world and has tremendous faith in all that I do or think about doing. He is amazing. He is beautiful, inside and out, and I have to admit, I was a little jealous when I was told by a neighbor that he was sexy and she liked to watch him when he would go out for a run in nothing but combat boots and his little shorty-short shorts! Ahhh, hmmm, still not sure how to take that one... lol. But if you haven't figured it out yet, I am crazy about that man. I might not always act like it to him, he may not see me adoringly stare at the back of his head when he is playing with the kids, or me breaking my neck to watch him walk away when he is wearing his green cammies. He may not realize how giddy and impatient I get when I know he is off work and on his way home or how many times a day I think about him, especially now in his absence, but I do. I love that man.
I have mentioned before that God always knows the right moments and he is ever faithful to pull me out of my own pit of pity. I love God. I love my husband. I just cant say it enough tonight. But to get on with it... The last few days have been a far cry from warm. I have worn both a full length leather coat and a knee length wool coat and was still cold, so imagine my house when I was defiantly rebelling to turn the heater on this early in the year. Needless to say, I finally caved on that one.
I can get through my days now with little thought to my loneliness. This is probably due to my nonstop schedule of being a mommy of four, but it isn't so at night, especially on cold nights. My hubby generates enormous amounts of heat. I call him my furnace in the winter months but I can hardly cuddly up too close for long periods of time in the summer because of this. Oh, but how wonderful it is on a cold winter night to curl up on his arm with my back to his stomach enveloped in his other arm. So safe. So secure. And oh so warm! I love it, which brings me back to my point, sorry about the wondering thoughts there. lol.
It SUCKS to climb into a cold bed and have to generate my own heat!!! I think I need a heating blanket for this season. So, I've been a little bummed. I've had trouble sleeping. And just once again reminded of his absence. And voila!!! I walked outside to take something to my neighbor to see a delivery van in my driveway. He asked if I was "Jones," "sho nuff" I said. He said he had some flowers. I said,"another set of Jones' live two houses down" and he said "no this is you, you got a boyfriend?" I said no, got a husband in another country." He said, "I'll be your boyfriend!" I thanked the 70 something year old man and walked away feeling refreshed.
My bible study asks, "Am I lovely?" Today, I felt lovely, loved, adored, cherished, and wanted. Sunflowers are my FAVORITE flower, red is my FAVORITE color, red roses are the flower of love. And so he thought of ME with red roses and sunflowers on this cold and lonely day. My heavenly father showered his grace on me by using my wonderful husband. Today the love rained down.
And to my Dear Hubby, if you get to log on and read this, I love you, I adore you, and I cherish you.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Is it possible?

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As most of you know, I struggle with the endless energy of my soon to be six year old with the conception of "he's just a boy." But last night at the birthday party, as I made small talk with a dad of one of the children there, I was brought face to face with a whole new concept. His son is "allergic to dies." Okay, at first thought I was sure that this was legitimate, but later in conversation I was led to ask more key questions which soon brought the truth of home diagnosis and treatment into view. There it was and crazy. Or was it? I had to come home and investigate.
There really is a study linking preservatives and dies to ADHD. WOW. Now lets put it into action.
Any Normal Day: restlessness, back talk, argumentative, angry and defiant.
DAY 1: we started the day off with coffee, yep, black coffee for the youngster. Paid attention to preservatives and non organic foods and drinks enter his wee little mouth. Spent 3 hours at Wal-mart with 4 tricycle motors and had not one fit. No anger. No back talk. Bought a pack of gummy candy, 20 minutes later, he is picking at his sister trying to start a fight, running through that house jumping over toys as hurdles, and was not interested in helping out at supper time.
Is this my answer??? We'll see, after all, God intended us to eat "natural" foods.

Friday, October 17, 2008

MY LATEST CAKES

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So, it has been a while since I have had my hand in cake decorating, a hobby that I so dearly enjoy. But a few months back, I was given the opportunity to purchase, second-hand, quite a bit of decorating supplies. Since all of my supplies were in storage in Texas, I jumped on the band wagon, but since, I have only had to the opportunity to make 3 cakes...Bummer...but tonight I was asked by the manager of a bowling ally if she could give my name out to customers.

The pink cake on the right was made at the end of August for my daughter's 8th birthday. She wanted so badly to have a tea set but I told her that I couldn't afford one this year and that her cake would be my gift to her and that it would be a secret. Her face was priceless when she seen her cake!
The green horse cake and the pirate ship were both made today for two children who belong to a close friend of mine. I do have to say, the pirate ship was pretty awesome. The ladders, ropes, anchors and the plaque in front of the cake where all made last night out or royal icing and made a fun candy for the kids. It was a blast! I love to bless others with the talents that God blessed me with. It is so much fun to be used.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

What a wonderful man

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I didn't find it today. BUMMER. In fact, I stressed myself out today to the point of panicked tears and just like God always does, he intervened in my little pity party. My hubby called at that precise moment.
Normally, a man would be upset with his wife for loosing 3 ATM cards, 2 department store cards (that I shouldn't even have), social security numbers, military id, and out of state drivers license, but not my wonderful hubby. He had only loving words of encouragement, walked me through processes of canceling cards over the Internet and assured me that we will get it all taken care of in time for my extended trip to Texas. What a wonderful man, if I can brag on my hubby for a sec, he is mine...
What a wonderful husband I have. He is slow to anger and forgives quickly. He could easily be angry with me for jeopardizing our whole financial/credit future but instead, he is loving and optimistic. Man, I love him.
I have lived a life before I came to Christ and just as I can vouch that raising kids with versus apart from God are too radically different approaches, I can vouch that being married to a man who centers our marriage around our heavenly Father is much different than being married to a man who just believes he is a christian just because he believes that a god exists. I love the adage, you can sit in you garage all day long and say, "I'm a car, I'm a car," but that doesn't make you a car. Living apart from God is no longer an avenue that I choose to take and I am so thankful that I have a hubby who loves our Lord just as much to travel this dusty trail with...even if we are oceans apart right now.
Lord, thank you for my husband. Thank you that you paired me with someone who can walk through this world with me and uplift me in those moments when I feel desperate and apart. Thank you that you never fail to bring me up out of my pit, that you use tools and people that I can relate to to see your glory and love. Lord, I ask for your hand to always be on our lives and marriage. I pray that your favor be upon my husband and that he return home safely. May your glory reign on this earth. May your light shine and push out the darkness.

Friday, October 10, 2008

It all happens for a reason, but ENOUGH is ENOUGH

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Okay, so now I am to the point of utterly and completely STRESSED! Yesterday started off as a really super day. Aside from the battle of having 4 kids shopping in the mall, two of which had colds and were 3 hours past naps, I found some really great deals and was able to purchase almost everything on my list...plus SOOOO much more, and still stay within my budget. GREAT. AWESOME! But as the day progressed, I feel like my stability of sanity collapsed.
It had been planned for several days that a lady from our church would come over at 5:30 to sit with my kids so that I could drive one of our vehicles to the dealership to offer it up for sale. As I had said, two of my kids were sick (despite me taking them shopping all day), so because I didnt have her number, I periodically emailed her via blackberry to let her know that I didnt feel like she should come over; to terminate our prior plans. Well, my house was a complete disaster, my babies were crying, I was tired and this sweet lady pulled into my drive. She had not checked her email all day and had no clue that I had even sent one. But despite my pleas, she was comfortable with keeping sick kids and urged me to go. I was so unprepared and I quickly became rushed dealing with preparation to sell the car amongst trying to sneak away from my crying one year old. The lady soon told me that she would keep the baby and I would take my one year old with me. Good idea. But amongst the chaos, my sister called...no time to talk, so I didnt answer. Then I repeatedly ran in and out of the house, from one vehicle to the next, then realizing that I didnt have my billfold with my i.d.'s. IMPORTANT. So I ran back in, probably a few more times after that, and then finally backed out of the driveway.
About a half of a mile up the road I did a check to make sure that I made it out of the house with all of the necessities learning that my billford was nowhere to be found in the car or on me or in my diaper bag. So,...I turned around and went back to the house. Frantically, I searched every room and turned up empty handed. Lord, please dont let me have laid it on top of the car and drove off. So, with this fear in mind, I leave again, driving slowely up the road looking for it to be lying in or beside the road. Nada. ZIP. So I decide to pull into the gas station at the end of the road to look the car over again, under the baby, under his car seat, but then I get an urgent text from my sister whom I had previously ignored.
WHOOF....my air is gone. BREATH! BREATH! I didnt know what to think. I still dont know what to think. Such horrible news and I am so far away. Not only am I so far away in terms of miles but in relationship as well. Before I knew God, I was guilty of idolizing a person. He was on a pedestal in my eyes. I seen his wrong, but it was okay because he was such a big part of my life and I loved him tremendously... I still do. That will never change, no matter what he thinks of me. But 2 years ago I convinced my heart to believe that he was dead. Not physically, but emotionally and I have yet to complete the grievance process. But because of my displacement, I am not supposed to know. How do I deal with this? I want to be selfish and run home but our relationship is broken and hasnt been fixed in hopes of saving him grief. If I go running home, his life will be turned upside down...I would be stomping on his heart. Of all of the things I am or of all of the things I have been accused of, I am not selfish, at least not often. I allow my heart to be wrenched from my chest to leave me breathless on the floor just to save someone else the heartache. So it is now...I want so much to be selfish and mend broken bridges before it is too late so that I dont have to live the rest of my life with the REAL pain of loosing someone when they are angry with me; but if I think of me, I hurt him and his home life. Lord, where am I to be in all of this?
SO, I looked all day and the billfold is still gone. If I hadn't of lost it, I wouldnt have called my sister back until way later. If I hadnt of called her back at that moment, she might have thought twice about telling me, which might have changed the course of our relationship forever. So, Lord, I know that everything happens for a reason. I lost my billfold for a reason greater than I want to comprehend. But geeze, enough is enough all ready. I have enough stress just piled on that I dont need to worry about canceling debit cards, filing for a new military ID, trying to get another Arizona drivers license, or filing for new social security cards for my whole family...revelation please.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Perfect Parent...what?

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Where is the line between good parenting and bad parenting? I wish there was a line to draw, but I am beginning to realize that there is NO "perfect" parent out there who can parent perfectly. This is my current dilemma as I continue on my course of learning the how's, do's, and don't of raising children...but may I mind you, not just any children, but godly children.
I am in my 8th year of parenting and my 3rd year of raising godly children. With 5 years under my belt of the befores, I can definitely vouch that there is as big of a difference in the two parenting styles as night and day. As much as I try to be a "good" parent, sometimes I feel like I carry the title of a "bad" parent. Such a heavy burden.
"Am I a failure at this???"
"Should I give up on raising godly children and just go back to the befores?"
"Where is my help when I am all alone?"
"Where is the grace for my children's mistakes on their journey of growth?"
These are the questions that speed through my head amongst the jumbled clutter of a chaotic mind. The answer I get..."
Be still and know...be still and know." Be still and know what? "That I am God." Now I am more than aggravated at the planet for my children's broken hearts and my over-bearing desire to give up along with my feelings of failure, but now I am aggravated at God for just telling me to sit down and shut-up like I am a little kid my self. Oh!!!!! Light bulb!!! I am a little kid! I am just a child to God and I am forever learning and being disciplined myself by THE perfect parent. And yes, I do need to sit down and shut-up. I need to leave my feelings of desolation and frustration out of the mix and leave it to God. I need to trust in HIM alone for my children. Seek HIM alone for the answers to my parenting questions and let HIM resolve any conflict that arises.
Tonight the kids and I studied Proverbs 10 and in just that one chapter, God spoke so many things; "the Lord does not let the righteous go hungry, " "hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs," and "he who holds his tongue is wise." God is not going to let my prayers for my children be in vain, nor is he going to allow my efforts to raise godly children be in vain. Though other people may not grant grace to my children for their mistakes, they are only human facing their own trials in this same rotten world, but God gives them grace just as he gives me grace for not being a perfect parent. And if I hold my tongue not speaking in a manner that might be misconstrued, but be steadfast in prayer with patience and love, God's glory will be revealed.
Thank you Lord that you are a God of patience, grace, and love. Help me Lord to see and love others the way you see and love them. Help me to parent my children according to your Word extending mercy and grace to them just as you have for me. Give me patience with each child and reveal to me which areas in each child's life that needs to be tended to at each particular moment that it is needed. Please fill myself and my children with your holy presence and may we be beacons for your kingdom.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Obey Your Husband

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Recently, I have been bothered with an issue that coincides with my faith. I thought all was well and good and we were doing OUR faithful part all the way up until my hubby questioned our actions and our motives. It really struck me hard. I was totally okay with digging a deeper hole so long as I felt like I was doing my part, my hubby was the one to look in and see how deep the hole was really getting...sorry for the analogies and metaphors tonight. His proposal really scared me and I began to dig for answers. You know you are doing the wrong thing when you look for prophetic words from other people than to just ask God what He'd have you do. But as we all know, I don't always do things right the first time. But God is gracious. Boy is He!!! So, my plight of seeking answers in all the wrong places was abruptly halted by that authoritative voice that sounds off when I finally shut down my mind and listen. "Obey YOUR husband!" Okay God, I get your point. So there it is, obey my husband so it is his head on the chopping block and not mine if it is the wrong decision, hee hee! :)

Sunday, September 28, 2008

ALONE

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"Am I really doing this alone?" This question haunts me from time to time these past few weeks. Some days fly by without the slightest thought of the struggles I am up against but some days I feel the weight bearing down on me threatening to plunge my heart into the abyss of self-pity. Millions of women raise children alone. Millions of women put their children to bed at night and tell them that they can see their daddy this weekend or they say prayers for Daddy in Heaven. My children and I say prayers that we can see Daddy again before we get to Heaven. I have to tell them that they will get to see Daddy again next summer and I assure them that he is okay and safe. There is a sort of pain in that prayer, trusting that God will keep him safe though I have no clue as to where exactly he is at or what he is doing...though there is an apprehension and yet a peace in the unknown.
Daddy calls me and assures me that I am doing a good job taking care of our family while he is off doing what he does, but I still step back and think "how can I do this?" Brydon is at an age where he is very torn that his Daddy is away, though he is proud to say that his Daddy serves our country! It is very cute. Tonight he declared that HE will one day join the forces in serving our country and I had to remind him of Daddy's wishes that he get a college education FIRST.
Back to point and back on my soap box, I struggle with the thought of truly being alone. But then just like He always does, God, ever-so-politely, reminds me that He is in charge, not me and that I am not alone. It is very humbling. Imagine, drowning in your own pity, almost pridefully...like I am proud to pity myself or something, and then just pushed off my soap box in an instant with the realization that I have no right to complain because I am not alone! Not that I want to pity myself but it almost gives you a sense of power over your life...STRANGE. But that is just it, With every earmark of my life, God has been shaping me up for this moment in my life. This moment to reveal his glory. That is what it is about. Being a light in a darkened world. And though we are all called to be that light, we are all called to do it differently at different seasons. I just envision Christmas lights. All strung up lighting the night so beautifully and though they are all working together to achieve the same result of beauty, they are different colors places strategically along the line. That is us, God's children. We are all different colors lighting up the night and though we appear to be suspended in the darkness by ourselves, there is a wire in the background holding is up. That wire is God. Whimsical analogy, I know but that is what God just put on my heart at this moment. So I am not alone. I am only one light in the darkness working alongside the other lights to reveal God's glory and though those in the dark cant see the wire in the background stringing the lights together, God is there, holding myself and all the others up so that we can reveal his beauty. May He be glorified by my life. May my struggles and triumphs bring him praise. He is worthy. Thank you Lord that you hold me up when I feel like I cant stand. Thank you for loving me with the greatest and purest of loves. Use me Lord, use me for your purpose and may your will be done in and through my life. May you be magnified!

Monday, September 22, 2008

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1787, our Constitution was signed by our founding fathers and God was there! 1791, the Bill of Rights was added to the amendments to "forever" establish our rights as free Americans and God was there! 1914 was the beginning of WWI and though blood was poured, God was there. 1969 was the year we realized that man could step foot on the moon and of course, God was there. Our country fell to our knees in desperation in 2001 and though we couldn't understand "why," God was still there!!! Did you notice him?

When you wake up in the morning thinking of the upcoming day do you feel the big squeeze on your heart? He is hugging you, telling you good morning. Do you notice him? When you lay down at night, do you selfishly say "thank you God, but I am too tired to talk. I know you understand that I need my sleep," and then doze right off or maybe lay and think of the days events or tomorrows worries? Can you count on one hand or maybe even count at all how many times a day that you acknowledge him? Give thanks in everything, and in everything sing praise to the Lord.
He was there then, He is here now, and He will be there tomorrow. I pray that God would awaken your heart and open your eyes. He's everywhere and He is WILD about YOU!!!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

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Isaiah 40:8 "The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever."
Have you ever looked at each moment and wondered if you ever deserved what God has given you? I have and I am proud to say I don't deserve it, but because the Good Lord was merciful and loving, I have it. In this picture on the left I am holding the greatest women in the world. My best friend, my love, my wiffee. It was fascinating to me because I have looked at this picture and what it has captured, and if you look closely you will see that it has captured both of us with our wedding rings. Now I am not saying that the wedding rings are what's important here, but the life time of love that goes with this awesome commitment is what I am trying to capture. What it took to get to that point in our lifes, to share everthing we have, to love each other it is so amazing. I love my wife, and I am so proud of her and the amazing things she is doing for God, and our family.
I remember this one time, my first tour to Iraq, I was 22 yrs of age then and I remember sitting on top of a blown out bunker looking out in to the dark night whatching God's blessing light up the dark night, wandering if I will ever kiss her again. Now that I married to the greatest women in the world, and get to share the rest of my life with her, there is no greater gift from God then this. they say in this world a picture says a thousand words, this picture alone, says everthing to me. A fulfilment of one of my prayers to God to spend the rest of my life with the girl that I have loved, since the first day I have seen her roming the halls of Kingman High.
I love you darling
your Hubby

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Into the heart of a military wife

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When I started this blog, I named it "God's Walk With a Military Family." So far, I haven't posted much insight into what I am truly feeling on the inside. Part of the reason is that I haven't really known. When the person that you turn to for EVERYTHING in life is gone you tend to try to fill the void with anything you can muster into it. I am sure it is much the same way when a spouse passes away,or at least to some minor degree. You just don't want to think about it. And so that is what I have been doing. Enjoying what I call "the chaos." Without it, I am afraid that I would become very withdrawn, lonely,and to the point of depression. But God has planted many factors into my day that keep me on my toes. My children and my dogs, or now "DOG." Most recently, I have been blessed with new friends and preparation for a women's group that kicks off in two days. It has been nice to not have to wrap my brain and heart around the fact that my hubby is in some place that I cant even pronounce. But now to get into the heart...
We are very blessed in this deployment as far as communication goes but it has it's downfalls too right along with the upsides. Where ever he is at and whatever he is doing right now it allowing him the time and ability to call me daily.It is great. What isn't so great is that this communication is a constant reminder that he is away from me and how much time will have to pass before we will be together again. The words, "I miss you" and "I can't wait to see you" tear at my heart. I feel guilty that I don't bring myself to say those words to him often, but if I say what I feel, it makes the feeling a reality that I cant escape at that moment. So what do I do? I talk about EVERYTHING, anything and everything that I can cram into that 30 minute conversation and never really talk about deep heart issues. I know he misses us and I know that he isn't as busy as I am so he has more time to miss us. My heart aches for him.
  • Every time I play with Aleya and she smiles and screams in happiness I fight back the tears from coming to the surface because I feel guilty that he is not here to see her joy of learning something new.
  • As Xander runs through the house like a whirlwind screaming "Mommy!" I realize that he started talking after Daddy left.
  • Kodi steps up to bathe her little brother, help me cook, and pacify the baby when I administer the discipline and I think about how I am doing Daddy's job as Kodi is doing mine at that moment.
  • When I realized that Brydon is acting out behavior that makes him think of Daddy, my heart breaks to know that his role model is not here at the present time.
  • And when I am exhausted and climb into bed at 1 am hardly able to think... That is what I do to not notice the empty bed.
But we were chosen. God chose us to live this lifestyle right here, right now! Nothing is by chance nor will it ever be left up to chance. God's finger prints are on EVERY single twist, turn, bump, and straight plain in our life.
I am proud of my husband. Proud that he serves both God and country and I am proud to be his wife. I will gladly bear this cross and I will carry it with thanksgiving.

Quiet...???

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What sound do I hear? This is strange. Completely different than I am used to. What is it? QUIET. Oh, so that is what it sounds like!
Yesterday was a day that I had to bend. Though the chaos of my life is beautiful in my eyes, it was a little too much. What I should really admit to is that I could no longer stand the excess of dog hair. Toby was great, but it was time for him to find a new home. Having two rottweilers is a little excessive when you consider the brood of children that my hubby and I have. I think Toby will be well loved and taken care of. I took measures to ensure that the person taking him knew what he was getting into and had a good understanding of the breed.
So here I am with the kids in bed and instead of having two rowdy rotties rough-housing under my feet, there is only one; laying solemnly but peaceful. And so I am...at peace. This is nice, but Lord, how do I hear you in the quiet?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

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My walk with the Lord
(02 Sep 2008)
You know the amazing part about life is being able to love unconditionally. There shouldn't be any conditions on love, just the freedom to love someone wholeheartedly with no restrictions. The best part about it is: God gave that freedom to us. At the top center of this blog you will see two pics of my wonderful kids who i love so much and have been a blessing to me since they came in to my life. On the right you will see my little Xander kissing his sister with love, and on the left you will see me holding the most precious, most beautiful, and most encouraging woman of God as well as being the greatest blessing God has given me in my life. Darling, and to those who see this blog, without God's unconditional love for me what you see in these pictures wouldn't have been possible; without God's love and without your love Darling. You have been an awesome blessing to me Darling and thank you for loving me. I know this life is tough, but God wouldn't have put you in my life if you couldn't handle it. I will close with this, God has done amazing things with me and my family and they say pictures speak a thousand words. If you look at these pictures you will see that God is the center of our lives and the blessing doesn't come with conditions and rules, it comes with unconditional love from God.
Isaiah 40:8
"The grass whithers and the flower fades but the word of God Stands forever"
John 15:9
"I have loved you even as the father has loved me, remain in my love."
John 3:16

Saturday, August 30, 2008

To ALL my faithful readers

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To all my faithful readers,
Just a little update. I know you will all be pleased to know that the day after my Postal post, I did in fact install the new mail box by the curb. I labored and sweat ferociously that next morning and now, three mail days later, the mail man has not put mail in it. He is bringing it to the door and putting the mail in the box mounted on the wall...and I have left my front door open! Oh well, he can have it his way. I did my part and at least I haven't been visited again by the Post MASTER. Though the day after he did not deliver it, I received two days worth of mail and the previous day's was labeled "unsafe." Go figure...
I love my mail carrier! This must just be some fun game! Thank you Lord for the excitement and challenge of keeping my mannerisms.

The Stink is in the Air

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Tonight was a little bit different for the Jonesy Household. We were blessed to have some good friends over for the full day, sharing two meals together, followed by fellowship at their home church. I thought it would be great to step out of my comfort zone and worship in a new light.
So it was. Safe and yet different. Not far out of my comfort zone at all. Probably not any in fact. What has been different though has been this new "attitude." I feel like it is swirling in like cigarette smoke in an enclosed room. At the moment it is a small amount, almost nonthreatening, but I know that soon it is going to engulf my whole house and atmosphere; sbefore long my home is going to wreak of this devastating air named "Bad Attitude."
It is currently making it's fumigating home upon one of my children and this child is becoming increasingly SMELLY! So that is my delima at this time. Quite a challenge when I think of how easy it would be if my hubby were home, in which he is not! So, this is where I step out of my comfort zone and learn to not depend on human strength...This is a task for a God-sized can of aerosol. Lord, feel free to spray at anytime!!!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Going "Postal"

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This is so darn irritating I just have to laugh! God is working on me in many ways and today was just another one of "those days." Some of you already are aware of the fact that the gentleman who delivers our mail is horribly afraid of dogs. I don't want to dwell on a person's fear but hey, I admit that I am afraid of water, therefor, I do not intentionally go into bodies of water larger than my bathtub...
I have a dog. I have two dogs! When I had only one, I was ever-so politely informed, first by the mail carrier and then by the Post MASTER, that my rottweiler MUST be on a chain or in the house for mail to be delivered to anyone on our street. A chain link fence was no answer. So, with this warning, I obediently kept Maggie in the house until the mail had been delivered around 10:00 AM, no big deal, right? But soon our mail began to be unpredictable, being delivered anywhere between 10 AM and 4 PM. Not so cool for an animal that must relieve herself just as a person does...but I obeyed.
Though I felt like I was doing everything in my power to maintain my animal, I just wasn't doing enough. See, I have a glass storm door attached to my front door (which is where my mailbox is located) and though I feel like it is a safe confinement (LOCKED), our mail carrier thinks otherwise, especially after he seen the second rottweiler staring at him separated only by a glass door. And thus, I was visited AGAIN by the Post MASTER. The word "master" is just intimidating in my book...
So, I am no longer allowed the freedom of sunshine through my door on a sunny day if I want the luxury of my mail being delivered to my house. Okay, fine! I'll deal with it! But now comes the part that I have children who don't always remember that the mail has yet to run it's unpredictable route. So today, for the third time, the front door has been left cracked open though the dogs where secured in another part of the house for cleaning purposes. But the mailman doesn't know that the dogs where put away nor does he care, he didn't deliver the mail which is what happens the day before I get the visit by the lovely MASTER of the Post. This time it will be to inform me that I am a lousy dog owner and will now have to pick my mail up at the Office of the Post. Perilous, I know with four kids and a busy home school day. So my answer? I spent my "Mommy's Day Out" shopping for a mailbox that will stand by the curb. My goal is to have it up first thing in the morning so that when I get served the infamous letter by the MASTER he can see that I am diligent to obey, that it just took me a few tries to get it right.
Is that what happens with God? I don't believe so. Instead of God threatening us with the possibility of the loss of His presence, he just keeps giving us 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc., etc., etc., tries. He never gives up on us. As long as we keep trying, he keeps encouraging us to succeed. He is a patient God who loves us despite our iniquities and He is ever faithful because He knows the blessings He has in store for us. I am going to keep trying to get it right!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

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What a challenge. We are still three or four months out, but Christmas is on my brain. Since this is going to be a lonely time of year for the Jones household we decided that it might be beneficial to use this time to go back to Texas and Oklahoma. With that, comes the opportunity to rebuild those relationships that I mentioned in an earlier post. Those I sacrificed in the name of LOVE. It is a very exciting and yet apprehensive endeavour that I am ready to whole-heartily take on. So come on God, work with me...better yet, come one Nikki, work with God!
Though I have plenty of time on my side, I just feel like it isn't enough to prepare my heart or those of my loved ones. But in my heart of hearts, I know that this is the season to begin building, or at least the preparation there of. Just as we prepare to build a house, we must first prepare the ground and then begin the foundation before building the structure.
It has been about 2 1/2 years since I have seen those that I so dearly love that I so badly hurt. In the beginning we really struggled to muster the ability for civil conversation. What a loss...but what a time for God to clear away the clutter. Then, we gradually began to exchange in thought by way of Internet and soon periodic phone conversation. This has been like the ground work for the construction. And just like building, you are never completely sure when the ground is ready to lay the foundation and thus the structure, so you just have to trust that you have prepared enough to begin that process. This is where we are at: still prepping the ground for a proper foundation.
I am trusting that the ground will be ready by the time I get there; and though we may only work on foundational work and not get to the building yet, I know that everything has it's season, and that TIME isn't for God as we see it.


Luke 6:48 (NIV)He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV) There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven

Saturday, August 23, 2008

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August 23, 2008
MY WALK WITH LORD - Howard
When you all read this you will be reading some questions I have answered while going through a book I am reading. I am sharing this because it is important for you all to know.
The First question: The heart is easily captured by other people. Think of a time when another person unexpectedly won your heart?
This was an easy question to answer. I remember walking through the halls of Kingman High School. I actually think that I was coming out of the library and Looked to my left and there she was the most beautiful girl in the world. From a distance, she had long beautiful black hair and she was wearing a red button up shirt with a collar, with the sleeves cut off. It was like the sun hit her just right. It was amazing, it was perfect. That day was the first time my heart was captured, by the most amazing women in my life, my now, Wife.
The Second question: Giving our heart away is a key to happiness why are people so reluctant to do that.
My answer I think it is a combination of things, one in particular is being scared. Giving your heart up to someone opens your heart up to be hurt. And with that people associate it with pain, but what people don’t understand is that your heart has to be open to receive too. When it is closed off, it can’t let anything in also. So it is a very delicate balance, that if you go to one extreme to the other it can hurt, but it also can be rewarding.
The Third question: Who has your heart? God, Wife and family.
How is it that they “have your life”. God has my heart because he has been watching every move, guiding my every step. I can’t explain to you how many times he has been there for me. Or even possibly explain to you the things he has done for me. But what I can say is that he is an amazing God.
Just one very vague instance, I say this because I have learned that sharing my testimonies with everyone sometimes, the point that I am trying to get across doesn’t always register with a lot of people. So I say this hoping you all understand , if not sort of pick up what you need , so I say this with great respect, every time I think I know something or do something I am humbled. One morning I was praying to God for clarity, and I got it.
My beautiful Wife, that alone is a testimony in itself, because I tell you what, without her I don’t know what life would be like. This journey my family and I have been on, have been rough and rugged, but almost everyone knows that everything in my life was never easy. One of the greatest gifts God has blessed me with is perseverance. I say this humbly because God didn’t bless me with smarts, but he has given me what I needed, and in this world it is God, my beautiful wife, and my beautiful kids. There is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for my God, wife and Kids.
I would like to end with this you could spend the rest of your life wanting love or you could spend the rest of it receiving love. I find it easier for me to receive it. My amazing God, wife and family have all humbled me, and taught me this. It is easy to give up. That is what makes life so great, and that is what makes it so worth it, because if it was easy it wouldn’t be worth it. You know for 8 yrs of my life I have been searching, it took me 22 yrs to find and receive God’s love; it took me 8 yrs, to be with the greatest women in the world. Love is always out there. I love you dear, I love you so much. I may not be there to show you, but I am. I love you.
John 15:9 “I have loved you as the father has loved me, remain in my love.”

Thursday, August 21, 2008

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August 21, 2008 in year of our Lord


Psalms 144:1-2


"You train my hands for war, and you give my fingers skill for battle."

"You are my loving ally and my fortress, my tower of safety, and my rescuer. You are my shield and I take refuge in you."

THANK YOU LORD FOR MY MANY BLESSINGS


John 15:9


"I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love."



I was watching a movie it was called the Last Samuri, and in that movie a man retreated to the hills, his villiage and said "you could spend the rest of your life looking for that perfect Blossom." he said this as he looked at a tree that had many blossoms. I put myself in tom cruz shoes (now I know I am not tom cruz, and or good looking enough but bare with me) who he was talking to and I said to my self, what would I have said to him? and I know now, what I would have said to him. That I am that tree, and like it my life is full of perfect blossoms. The earth God has laid down for me as my foundation, and me being the tree, and my branches and pefect blossoms being my wife, kids and family. so see I understand now that most people could spend the rest of there life growing, or looking for that perfect blossom, I have realized some times you just have to sit and enjoy the beauty of the ones given to you, because every thing given and made by God is perfect in its own way, for God's purpose not ours.


To my amazing Wife,


You are my perfect Blossom, I could sit for hours and just watch you. In my life I have made mistakes too. tried to look for the one who I could turn my heart over too. God had other plans. for many years I have prayed to love someone as much as I love you. but that road has already been paved, and at the end of that 8 year road. I married the most Beautiful, Godly women in the world. and I have been blessed to be able to spend the rest of my life with you darling. My nights are very lonley too. but you know in the end I get to come home to the most beautiful wife in the world, and the greatest kids ever. Stay strong in your faith darling, and know that I always love you.


To my Family,


Everyone had an amazing role in my up bringing. I am who I am today because of the love that everybody in my family has shown me. I love you all and thank you all for your support and love.


Howie

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

My heart is breaking

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So, I am going through the motions. I have spent my entire life priding myself that I was strong at heart and could handle any situation that life threw at me. And though I know I am a strong person, I humbly confess that my heart is breaking. I have gone through the paniced stage of feeling anxious and speed-driven, but now I have reached a new shade of lonely. As I sat in bed for the first time tonight watching a romantic comedy, I finally realized that he is gone for 9 1/2 more months. That every night I will crawl into an empty bed as well as to wake up alone. This morning I had made a pot of coffee and started to go sit on the porch to enjoy it for the first time since he's been gone but then realize how lonely it would be out there without him. When we bought this house, that was our plan...to have coffee on the deck in the mornings, and we did and we enjoy it, but this morning I couldn't do it. I don't mean to play the fiddle on my soap box, but that is the purpose of this blog; to reveal the story behind the smile.
But as I sat there in bed praying and telling God how I want my husband, how I want him here to hold me, to smile at me, to tell me he loves me, God expressed that he knew. He reminded me that He is my husband and my strength. It doesn't completely take the hurt away to know that God cares about my every tear but it does give me comfort that He is here holding me even closer during this lonely time in my life...
Note to self: stay away from the romantic movies!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Jealousy in the House

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We all know that kids get jealous and MEN get jealous (I plead the 5th) but do we ever think about animals? Maggie is our older rottie, being 2 1/2 years old, and the more mature having served her time in "the box." Toby, on the other hand, is 1 year old and is like a bull in a china closet...Maggie isn't any more graceful! If you aren't educated on the breed, here's a tidbit: they CHEW! These are not dogs for the faint, that is for sure, but they are amazingly loyal and lovable. I really like them. But "love" is a better word for these two "moose" that share our home.
Since Toby is "young and dumb" (immature), he is the unfortunate soul that has to sleep in the gianormous crate that makes our living room unsightly to eliminate any desire to munch on furniture or anthing else while we sleep...his reward: a pillow. Since he is our 2nd dog, Maggie having been our number 1 was the previous owner and inhabitant of "the box." When she prooved that she was mature and trustworthy, she graduated and was then allowed to roam the house and choose her spot to call her bed i.e the floor. For the time span between her graduation and his arrival, "the box" became a fixture of the garage to be seen by nobody up until Toby moved in. At this point, our living room lost what little glam it had aquired and once again has a massive, black, metal crate occupying one of the corners. Okay, so on to point. Each night when the lights go out, I call the infamouse phrase, "Toby, box!," and he willingly,yet reluctantly goes to the box to have the door shut and locked and then lays down to sleep. But not tonight. Tonight, I resigned myself to not write on the blog and instead go to bed for some much needed rest, but as I walk into the living room and to the box to get into my Alpha Stance I noticed he was already there...nope, it wasn't Toby. Toby was laying by my bedroom door snoring and Maggie was occupying "the box," looking at me with a "you better not" attitude on her face. How funny. She is jealous. Though she hated "the box" when it was her's, she is jealous that it has become his.
Aren't we all like this? Even over petty things...we see that someone else is enjoying something that we once had and we feel a hint of jealousy. We know that God knows us each individually and wants to give us each our own hearts desires as well as his spiritual gifts, but we as humans want more. We see what God has done for someone else and we compare it to our own lives and begin to wonder what we didn't do right. But God doesn't want us to be envious or jealous. He wants us to trust wholely and completely in him and wait on his timing. He has things in store for us all...Lord, may you guard my heart from envy. May I wait on your blessing!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Am I crazy?

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Am I crazy? A rhetorical question but one that needs to be asked redundantly just the same. In my former blogging on myspace, I repetitively referred to my life as "crazy-beautiful" and that is just how I view it. I keep my life so chaotic and yet I love it. As strange as it may sound, I find my sanity among the chaos. The woman with it all together might see me as overwhelmed, overstimulated, too busy, stressed, and cluttered. Maybe I am...maybe my life is so cluttered that the ordinary person wouldn't be able to function, but God gave me a grace that makes it enjoyable for me. I find peace in the banter of it all. I even call myself blessed to have this much on my plate!
When I was a little girl, I remember the echoing words of my step-dad (who I so dearly adored), "LuLu, you have too many irons in the fire!" A phrase that I didn't figure out until years later...later being when he lovingly said, "LuLu, you're just like me, you've got too many irons in the fire." So the story of my life! It was that way then, it is that way now, and I suspect that it will be that way later. Why would I want to change when this is my normalicy? I love my life.
So, to another point of crazy. I have four kids, two dogs, oh, and my amazing husband. Do I need more? Probably not.Will I take more? You bet'cha! As a child, my heart was as big as Texas. Life lessons taught me to be careful with my heart and guard it. God opened it back up... I love his blessings! If God wants to put more in my path to love, then I will give it my whole heart. My prayer is to love as God loves, how am I to do that if I say "no?" So, what I say is...."Give it to me, Lord, all you've got. But with it, Lord, please give me your grace to handle it." BRING IT ON!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

This is Growth

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Somedays are a struggle, like today; an emotional battle raging war within my heart. My mind and my soul tug in opposite directions vying to proove the other wrong. I want to scream, I want to run...no, I want to rest in His perfect peace.In moments like these when the counterpart of my faith tries desperately to drag me ussunder to the depths of darkness that I remember my walk. I was never promised peaches and icing but tribulation, and then I am thankful for my trials. I am thankful that the enemy hates me so much and thinks of me as such a threat that he tries aimlessly to hurt me. So though I feel broken, I am triumphant and Idelight in my brokenness. This is growth, this is love...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

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This is hard, I'm not gonna lie. Some can presumptuously say that I knew what I was getting into when I married a man in the military and they are right, I did. But though my head knew the road ahead, my heart didn't care. I had loved this man for so long but had been dumb to the actuality and realization of it. It is amazing now to look back on the "before" of my life.
I had always struggled to know who "I" was and to find true happiness. I would step into a role that would make others smile and if it felt good enough for me then that is what it was...enough. But eventaully, that caught up to me. What amazes me now is that there were so many signs pointing toward destruction that I pushed away. One, being that I inwardly struggled with resigning my maiden name and replacing it with that of another's. Two, as harsh as it sounds, I would catch myself daydreaming that one day, years down the road, I would be a widow and my beloved and I would be reunited to share the remainder of our lives together. How unfair was the to those in my life? There are so many other examples but they are too numerous to bore you with.
So I have lived and loved, broken hearts and had mine broken; all these things leading up to the welcome reunion of my beloved  that shook my world so hard that debri can still be found in every relationship that was important to me at the time and is to this day. What I have to say to that? "Happiness is a small and acceptable price to pay to rebuild a bridge." I live with "maybe I could have's" but not with any REGRETS!
So now I live my life, serving God as a military wife and as some say, "serving on the homefront" but I wouldn't trade it for anthing. I know that God has brought me thru trials in my life to prepare me and make me strong for the role I now have.  May He use me for His purpose and may I enjoy the ride...

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

If I had of listened to my mamma...

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If I had of listened to my mamma...

If I had of listened to my mamma, I wouldn't have skinned my knee so many times as a kid.

If I had of listened to my mamma, I would have made better grades in school and gone straight into college.

If I had of listened to my mamma, I wouldn't have had my heart broken so many times.

If I had of listened to my mamma, maybe we would be best friends.

If I had of listened to my mamma, I would have never cried as many tears in my lifetime.

What it she had of listened to her mamma, what would I be like?

If I had of listened to my mamma, I would never have found my soulmate.

Will my daughter listen to her mamma?

Saturday, August 9, 2008

To start this off

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I am new to blogging though I have blogged a small amount on myspace. I just heard about Blogspot today and really felt led to share my story with those who could use the encouragement. I have known for quite some time that my life's story is significant, just as everyone else's is, and can be and will be used by God. My role is to live it and share it. That simple. Yeah...not so simple.

To begin with I am currently 25 years old with 4 kids and a great husband, but it wasn't always so. I have sowed some oats and reaped their consequences, plenty to be sure. My hubby and I have known and loved each other for 10 years, since I was 15 and he was 17, but our paths didn't intersect and join together for 8 years. Eight very hard years for me, but two kids and two failed marriages with another failed relationship in between later...I accepted God into my life and allowed him to work in me and through me, during which time, Howard accepted Christ as well. In return for our faithfulness, God has blessed us with a terrific marriage, two more children and just all-around happiness.

And so our story begins.