Into the heart of a military wife

When I started this blog, I named it "God's Walk With a Military Family." So far, I haven't posted much insight into what I am truly feeling on the inside. Part of the reason is that I haven't really known. When the person that you turn to for EVERYTHING in life is gone you tend to try to fill the void with anything you can muster into it. I am sure it is much the same way when a spouse passes away,or at least to some minor degree. You just don't want to think about it. And so that is what I have been doing. Enjoying what I call "the chaos." Without it, I am afraid that I would become very withdrawn, lonely,and to the point of depression. But God has planted many factors into my day that keep me on my toes. My children and my dogs, or now "DOG." Most recently, I have been blessed with new friends and preparation for a women's group that kicks off in two days. It has been nice to not have to wrap my brain and heart around the fact that my hubby is in some place that I cant even pronounce. But now to get into the heart...

We are very blessed in this deployment as far as communication goes but it has it's downfalls too right along with the upsides. Where ever he is at and whatever he is doing right now it allowing him the time and ability to call me daily.It is great. What isn't so great is that this communication is a constant reminder that he is away from me and how much time will have to pass before we will be together again. The words, "I miss you" and "I can't wait to see you" tear at my heart. I feel guilty that I don't bring myself to say those words to him often, but if I say what I feel, it makes the feeling a reality that I cant escape at that moment. So what do I do? I talk about EVERYTHING, anything and everything that I can cram into that 30 minute conversation and never really talk about deep heart issues. I know he misses us and I know that he isn't as busy as I am so he has more time to miss us. My heart aches for him.

• Every time I play with Aleya and she smiles and screams in happiness I fight back the tears from coming to the surface because I feel guilty that he is not here to see her joy of learning something new.
• As Xander runs through the house like a whirlwind screaming "Mommy!" I realize that he started talking after Daddy left.
• Kodi steps up to bathe her little brother, help me cook, and pacify the baby when I administer the discipline and I think about how I am doing Daddy's job as Kodi is doing mine at that moment.
• When I realized that Brydon is acting out behavior that makes him think of Daddy, my heart breaks to know that his role model is not here at the present time.
• And when I am exhausted and climb into bed at 1 am hardly able to think... That is what I do to not notice the empty bed.

But we were chosen. God chose us to live this lifestyle right here, right now! Nothing is by chance nor will it ever be left up to chance. God's finger prints are on EVERY single twist, turn, bump, and straight plain in our life.

I am proud of my husband. Proud that he serves both God and country and I am proud to be his wife. I will gladly bear this cross and I will carry it with thanksgiving.