What a wonderful man

I didn't find it today. BUMMER. In fact, I stressed myself out today to the point of panicked tears and just like God always does, he intervened in my little pity party. My hubby called at that precise moment.

Normally, a man would be upset with his wife for loosing 3 ATM cards, 2 department store cards (that I shouldn't even have), social security numbers, military id, and out of state drivers license, but not my wonderful hubby. He had only loving words of encouragement, walked me through processes of canceling cards over the Internet and assured me that we will get it all taken care of in time for my extended trip to Texas. What a wonderful man, if I can brag on my hubby for a sec, he is mine...

What a wonderful husband I have. He is slow to anger and forgives quickly. He could easily be angry with me for jeopardizing our whole financial/credit future but instead, he is loving and optimistic. Man, I love him.

I have lived a life before I came to Christ and just as I can vouch that raising kids with versus apart from God are too radically different approaches, I can vouch that being married to a man who centers our marriage around our heavenly Father is much different than being married to a man who just believes he is a christian just because he believes that a god exists. I love the adage, you can sit in you garage all day long and say, "I'm a car, I'm a car," but that doesn't make you a car. Living apart from God is no longer an avenue that I choose to take and I am so thankful that I have a hubby who loves our Lord just as much to travel this dusty trail with...even if we are oceans apart right now.

Lord, thank you for my husband. Thank you that you paired me with someone who can walk through this world with me and uplift me in those moments when I feel desperate and apart. Thank you that you never fail to bring me up out of my pit, that you use tools and people that I can relate to to see your glory and love. Lord, I ask for your hand to always be on our lives and marriage. I pray that your favor be upon my husband and that he return home safely. May your glory reign on this earth. May your light shine and push out the darkness.

It all happens for a reason, but ENOUGH is ENOUGH

Okay, so now I am to the point of utterly and completely STRESSED! Yesterday started off as a really super day. Aside from the battle of having 4 kids shopping in the mall, two of which had colds and were 3 hours past naps, I found some really great deals and was able to purchase almost everything on my list...plus SOOOO much more, and still stay within my budget. GREAT. AWESOME! But as the day progressed, I feel like my stability of sanity collapsed.
It had been planned for several days that a lady from our church would come over at 5:30 to sit with my kids so that I could drive one of our vehicles to the dealership to offer it up for sale. As I had said, two of my kids were sick (despite me taking them shopping all day), so because I didnt have her number, I periodically emailed her via blackberry to let her know that I didnt feel like she should come over; to terminate our prior plans. Well, my house was a complete disaster, my babies were crying, I was tired and this sweet lady pulled into my drive. She had not checked her email all day and had no clue that I had even sent one. But despite my pleas, she was comfortable with keeping sick kids and urged me to go. I was so unprepared and I quickly became rushed dealing with preparation to sell the car amongst trying to sneak away from my crying one year old. The lady soon told me that she would keep the baby and I would take my one year old with me. Good idea. But amongst the chaos, my sister called...no time to talk, so I didnt answer. Then I repeatedly ran in and out of the house, from one vehicle to the next, then realizing that I didnt have my billfold with my i.d.'s. IMPORTANT. So I ran back in, probably a few more times after that, and then finally backed out of the driveway.
About a half of a mile up the road I did a check to make sure that I made it out of the house with all of the necessities learning that my billford was nowhere to be found in the car or on me or in my diaper bag. So,...I turned around and went back to the house. Frantically, I searched every room and turned up empty handed. Lord, please dont let me have laid it on top of the car and drove off. So, with this fear in mind, I leave again, driving slowely up the road looking for it to be lying in or beside the road. Nada. ZIP. So I decide to pull into the gas station at the end of the road to look the car over again, under the baby, under his car seat, but then I get an urgent text from my sister whom I had previously ignored.
WHOOF....my air is gone. BREATH! BREATH! I didnt know what to think. I still dont know what to think. Such horrible news and I am so far away. Not only am I so far away in terms of miles but in relationship as well. Before I knew God, I was guilty of idolizing a person. He was on a pedestal in my eyes. I seen his wrong, but it was okay because he was such a big part of my life and I loved him tremendously... I still do. That will never change, no matter what he thinks of me. But 2 years ago I convinced my heart to believe that he was dead. Not physically, but emotionally and I have yet to complete the grievance process. But because of my displacement, I am not supposed to know. How do I deal with this? I want to be selfish and run home but our relationship is broken and hasnt been fixed in hopes of saving him grief. If I go running home, his life will be turned upside down...I would be stomping on his heart. Of all of the things I am or of all of the things I have been accused of, I am not selfish, at least not often. I allow my heart to be wrenched from my chest to leave me breathless on the floor just to save someone else the heartache. So it is now...I want so much to be selfish and mend broken bridges before it is too late so that I dont have to live the rest of my life with the REAL pain of loosing someone when they are angry with me; but if I think of me, I hurt him and his home life. Lord, where am I to be in all of this?
SO, I looked all day and the billfold is still gone. If I hadn't of lost it, I wouldnt have called my sister back until way later. If I hadnt of called her back at that moment, she might have thought twice about telling me, which might have changed the course of our relationship forever. So, Lord, I know that everything happens for a reason. I lost my billfold for a reason greater than I want to comprehend. But geeze, enough is enough all ready. I have enough stress just piled on that I dont need to worry about canceling debit cards, filing for a new military ID, trying to get another Arizona drivers license, or filing for new social security cards for my whole family...revelation please.

My heart is breaking

So, I am going through the motions. I have spent my entire life priding myself that I was strong at heart and could handle any situation that life threw at me. And though I know I am a strong person, I humbly confess that my heart is breaking. I have gone through the paniced stage of feeling anxious and speed-driven, but now I have reached a new shade of lonely. As I sat in bed for the first time tonight watching a romantic comedy, I finally realized that he is gone for 9 1/2 more months. That every night I will crawl into an empty bed as well as to wake up alone. This morning I had made a pot of coffee and started to go sit on the porch to enjoy it for the first time since he's been gone but then realize how lonely it would be out there without him. When we bought this house, that was our plan...to have coffee on the deck in the mornings, and we did and we enjoy it, but this morning I couldn't do it. I don't mean to play the fiddle on my soap box, but that is the purpose of this blog; to reveal the story behind the smile.
But as I sat there in bed praying and telling God how I want my husband, how I want him here to hold me, to smile at me, to tell me he loves me, God expressed that he knew. He reminded me that He is my husband and my strength. It doesn't completely take the hurt away to know that God cares about my every tear but it does give me comfort that He is here holding me even closer during this lonely time in my life...
Note to self: stay away from the romantic movies!

Am I crazy?

Am I crazy? A rhetorical question but one that needs to be asked redundantly just the same. In my former blogging on myspace, I repetitively referred to my life as "crazy-beautiful" and that is just how I view it. I keep my life so chaotic and yet I love it. As strange as it may sound, I find my sanity among the chaos. The woman with it all together might see me as overwhelmed, overstimulated, too busy, stressed, and cluttered. Maybe I am...maybe my life is so cluttered that the ordinary person wouldn't be able to function, but God gave me a grace that makes it enjoyable for me. I find peace in the banter of it all. I even call myself blessed to have this much on my plate!
When I was a little girl, I remember the echoing words of my step-dad (who I so dearly adored), "LuLu, you have too many irons in the fire!" A phrase that I didn't figure out until years later...later being when he lovingly said, "LuLu, you're just like me, you've got too many irons in the fire." So the story of my life! It was that way then, it is that way now, and I suspect that it will be that way later. Why would I want to change when this is my normalicy? I love my life.
So, to another point of crazy. I have four kids, two dogs, oh, and my amazing husband. Do I need more? Probably not.Will I take more? You bet'cha! As a child, my heart was as big as Texas. Life lessons taught me to be careful with my heart and guard it. God opened it back up... I love his blessings! If God wants to put more in my path to love, then I will give it my whole heart. My prayer is to love as God loves, how am I to do that if I say "no?" So, what I say is...."Give it to me, Lord, all you've got. But with it, Lord, please give me your grace to handle it." BRING IT ON!

To start this off

I am new to blogging though I have blogged a small amount on myspace. I just heard about Blogspot today and really felt led to share my story with those who could use the encouragement. I have known for quite some time that my life's story is significant, just as everyone else's is, and can be and will be used by God. My role is to live it and share it. That simple. Yeah...not so simple.

To begin with I am currently 25 years old with 4 kids and a great husband, but it wasn't always so. I have sowed some oats and reaped their consequences, plenty to be sure. My hubby and I have known and loved each other for 10 years, since I was 15 and he was 17, but our paths didn't intersect and join together for 8 years. Eight very hard years for me, but two kids and two failed marriages with another failed relationship in between later...I accepted God into my life and allowed him to work in me and through me, during which time, Howard accepted Christ as well. In return for our faithfulness, God has blessed us with a terrific marriage, two more children and just all-around happiness.

And so our story begins.