It all happens for a reason, but ENOUGH is ENOUGH

Okay, so now I am to the point of utterly and completely STRESSED! Yesterday started off as a really super day. Aside from the battle of having 4 kids shopping in the mall, two of which had colds and were 3 hours past naps, I found some really great deals and was able to purchase almost everything on my list...plus SOOOO much more, and still stay within my budget. GREAT. AWESOME! But as the day progressed, I feel like my stability of sanity collapsed.
It had been planned for several days that a lady from our church would come over at 5:30 to sit with my kids so that I could drive one of our vehicles to the dealership to offer it up for sale. As I had said, two of my kids were sick (despite me taking them shopping all day), so because I didnt have her number, I periodically emailed her via blackberry to let her know that I didnt feel like she should come over; to terminate our prior plans. Well, my house was a complete disaster, my babies were crying, I was tired and this sweet lady pulled into my drive. She had not checked her email all day and had no clue that I had even sent one. But despite my pleas, she was comfortable with keeping sick kids and urged me to go. I was so unprepared and I quickly became rushed dealing with preparation to sell the car amongst trying to sneak away from my crying one year old. The lady soon told me that she would keep the baby and I would take my one year old with me. Good idea. But amongst the chaos, my sister called...no time to talk, so I didnt answer. Then I repeatedly ran in and out of the house, from one vehicle to the next, then realizing that I didnt have my billfold with my i.d.'s. IMPORTANT. So I ran back in, probably a few more times after that, and then finally backed out of the driveway.
About a half of a mile up the road I did a check to make sure that I made it out of the house with all of the necessities learning that my billford was nowhere to be found in the car or on me or in my diaper bag. So,...I turned around and went back to the house. Frantically, I searched every room and turned up empty handed. Lord, please dont let me have laid it on top of the car and drove off. So, with this fear in mind, I leave again, driving slowely up the road looking for it to be lying in or beside the road. Nada. ZIP. So I decide to pull into the gas station at the end of the road to look the car over again, under the baby, under his car seat, but then I get an urgent text from my sister whom I had previously ignored.
WHOOF....my air is gone. BREATH! BREATH! I didnt know what to think. I still dont know what to think. Such horrible news and I am so far away. Not only am I so far away in terms of miles but in relationship as well. Before I knew God, I was guilty of idolizing a person. He was on a pedestal in my eyes. I seen his wrong, but it was okay because he was such a big part of my life and I loved him tremendously... I still do. That will never change, no matter what he thinks of me. But 2 years ago I convinced my heart to believe that he was dead. Not physically, but emotionally and I have yet to complete the grievance process. But because of my displacement, I am not supposed to know. How do I deal with this? I want to be selfish and run home but our relationship is broken and hasnt been fixed in hopes of saving him grief. If I go running home, his life will be turned upside down...I would be stomping on his heart. Of all of the things I am or of all of the things I have been accused of, I am not selfish, at least not often. I allow my heart to be wrenched from my chest to leave me breathless on the floor just to save someone else the heartache. So it is now...I want so much to be selfish and mend broken bridges before it is too late so that I dont have to live the rest of my life with the REAL pain of loosing someone when they are angry with me; but if I think of me, I hurt him and his home life. Lord, where am I to be in all of this?
SO, I looked all day and the billfold is still gone. If I hadn't of lost it, I wouldnt have called my sister back until way later. If I hadnt of called her back at that moment, she might have thought twice about telling me, which might have changed the course of our relationship forever. So, Lord, I know that everything happens for a reason. I lost my billfold for a reason greater than I want to comprehend. But geeze, enough is enough all ready. I have enough stress just piled on that I dont need to worry about canceling debit cards, filing for a new military ID, trying to get another Arizona drivers license, or filing for new social security cards for my whole family...revelation please.

The Perfect Parent...what?

Where is the line between good parenting and bad parenting? I wish there was a line to draw, but I am beginning to realize that there is NO "perfect" parent out there who can parent perfectly. This is my current dilemma as I continue on my course of learning the how's, do's, and don't of raising children...but may I mind you, not just any children, but godly children.
I am in my 8th year of parenting and my 3rd year of raising godly children. With 5 years under my belt of the befores, I can definitely vouch that there is as big of a difference in the two parenting styles as night and day. As much as I try to be a "good" parent, sometimes I feel like I carry the title of a "bad" parent. Such a heavy burden.
"Am I a failure at this???"
"Should I give up on raising godly children and just go back to the befores?"
"Where is my help when I am all alone?"
"Where is the grace for my children's mistakes on their journey of growth?"
These are the questions that speed through my head amongst the jumbled clutter of a chaotic mind. The answer I get..."Be still and know...be still and know." Be still and know what? "That I am God." Now I am more than aggravated at the planet for my children's broken hearts and my over-bearing desire to give up along with my feelings of failure, but now I am aggravated at God for just telling me to sit down and shut-up like I am a little kid my self. Oh!!!!! Light bulb!!! I am a little kid! I am just a child to God and I am forever learning and being disciplined myself by THE perfect parent. And yes, I do need to sit down and shut-up. I need to leave my feelings of desolation and frustration out of the mix and leave it to God. I need to trust in HIM alone for my children. Seek HIM alone for the answers to my parenting questions and let HIM resolve any conflict that arises.
Tonight the kids and I studied Proverbs 10 and in just that one chapter, God spoke so many things; "the Lord does not let the righteous go hungry, " "hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs," and "he who holds his tongue is wise." God is not going to let my prayers for my children be in vain, nor is he going to allow my efforts to raise godly children be in vain. Though other people may not grant grace to my children for their mistakes, they are only human facing their own trials in this same rotten world, but God gives them grace just as he gives me grace for not being a perfect parent. And if I hold my tongue not speaking in a manner that might be misconstrued, but be steadfast in prayer with patience and love, God's glory will be revealed.Thank you Lord that you are a God of patience, grace, and love. Help me Lord to see and love others the way you see and love them. Help me to parent my children according to your Word extending mercy and grace to them just as you have for me. Give me patience with each child and reveal to me which areas in each child's life that needs to be tended to at each particular moment that it is needed. Please fill myself and my children with your holy presence and may we be beacons for your kingdom.